The Quality of Connection
An invitation for my 50th birthday celebration. I will be celebrating my parents, my mentors, my loved ones, all those who have deeply connected with me so that I can be here today.
Eleven years ago this past Tuesday, Niels and I had our first lunch. We greeted one another outside, and then went to the counter and ordered our food, only to realize that there was no table space to be found in the cafe. Just as we realized this, the woman who took our order—who was now handing us sandwiches on plates, and seeing us look around for a table, to no avail—she smiled and with a twinkle in her eye, said, “I know just the place for you two!” and motioned for us to follow her.
She took us next door to the independent bookstore, which was owned by the same people who owned the cafe, and motioned again that we should continue to follow her. Puzzled, with food in hand, we followed her through the store and out the backdoor to a private patio neither of us had ever known about before (although we’d each been to this bookstore many times). It was the sweetest little garden nook back there. One table, two chairs, a brick wall on one side, and a trellis with Ivy growing on it on the other two sides. The woman smiled broadly, and left us to enjoy sandwiches in the warm, sunny afternoon in this little garden oasis that almost seemed aglow. Over the next three hours, which slipped by before we had even noticed, we shared stories and ideas and laughter, and a connection as magical and mysterious as our garden nook, materialized between us.
I knew he was my person, in some way or another, although it took many months before I realized: I am in love. His attention was like sunlight, and I relaxed into a fuller version of myself in his company. Every step of the way in those early months, the atmosphere around us seemed to have more light, more breath. Everything had ease, grace, flow. We adored each other. And a year and a half after our afternoon in the garden, we got married in a backyard wedding with only family around us, and our dear friend, Rabbi Yonatan Cohen, officiating; the magic of that first lunch, still with us.
I didn’t know it at the time, but we were about to enter an unrelentingly difficult time together. We were deeply in love, and the glow of love was critical but not enough for what was about to happen to us. If our story were a movie, you’d say it wasn't realistic. Too much magic, followed by YEARS of hardship and suffering of all bizarre kinds, like the series of plagues recounted in ancient Hebrew texts, but more layered.
It began simple enough with a flea infestation. It took a few weeks but we dealt with it. Even the head lice brought home from my daughter’s school didn’t faze us, even though that again took a few weeks of laundry, debugging. The pinworms were next. All that was ok. It was the final plague that nearly did us in: toxic mold.
Toxic mold is no joke. It’s not uncommon, but to have two different strains of it—the ones most dangerous to human health—in one house, was too much for our health. And my health had already suffered from exposure in other places I had lived. We experienced debilitating fatigue, and for me it exacerbated digestive symptoms, gave me body aches, and headaches. It also affected my brain. I had to struggle to say more than simple sentences. I lost my words. I did not drive a car for six months. You can imagine that I had to struggle to keep any sense of confidence in myself, because I had always relied on my brain power before.
We had to leave our home and all our belongings when it became clear the remediation had not been enough. I was now too sensitive to even traces of these strains of mold. We lived in tiny apartments, Niels, me, and our daughter and two dogs, for four long years while we tried to figure out where to go, what to do with the house, all the belongings, how to recover financially, medically. And then, the worst of it perhaps, were the legal difficulties brought on by conflicts with my co-parent who did not believe Leah was sick from mold, who did not believe any of this had any validity. We spent the next six years in court battles, fending off his attacks.
Oh, those horrid, horrid years! I wouldn't relive them again for anything! But here is the thing: seasons of incredible hardship can sometimes make it crystal clear what matters most. For us it did. We had one another: Me, Niels, Leah. And we paid exquisite attention to the quality of the connection between us. My teachers and mentors had taught me how to listen well and deeply, even when emotions are running high and things seem to be falling apart, and I had shared these teachings with Niels. We listened to one another, warmly, spaciously, and together we listened to Leah. We did not know what was going to happen, how we would make it through, financially, medically, legally. We did not know where home would be, or whether we would ever have “normal” life again. But we had one another, and we listened to and loved one another. We repaired the connection if we lost patience with one another. We trusted one another to know what we each needed. We never let the mess get us to turn on each other. Under the circumstances, this required real attention.
Things slowly, slowly, bit-by-bit, settled down, became clear. Life has become rich again. And we are returning now to the work we were forging back then, before all these difficulties overcame our life. It’s also all perfect. We now have more to give, more depth and wisdom between us, because of all we’ve lived through, and all we’ve loved each other through.
Before all this, Niels and I had wanted to begin a community of parents who all wanted to centralize the quality of connection in their lives. It was called Parent Connect East Bay, perhaps you were around for that. We couldn’t sustain that work amidst all this. Now that we have come through this time of trial and know more than before how critical it is to have this deep sense of connection, we are finding ourselves returning to our original call. We are going to be bringing parents together in community, parents who want to attend to their connection with their loved ones, their children in particular.
We do this, because we know that it is hard in our day and age, in this country, to keep a strong focus on connection, on love, the practice of love in our day to day. Not the saccharine love of Hallmark and Valentine’s day—though Niels better not forget me on February 14. No, we are talking about the sturdy love that gets you through, the love that you need to embody when your child is losing it, when your spouse is losing it, when you are losing it. Real self love is not saccharine either, I have discovered the hard way.
We are returning to our mission, our call if you want. Now that we have all lived through the Covid pandemic, and are still living with its dangers, we have become more accustomed to forming community online and know that it has its shortcomings but also unique benefits. That is where we will be focusing next.
We’re calling it The Parents’ Way.
The first signal you will get from The Parents’ Way, is our podcast: The Parents’ Way Podcast. The pilot episode is out now and the real launch will happen on my birthday. This is my fiftieth birthday, and it is a big one.
I am inviting you to join me for my birthday celebration. For this celebration and for the first podcast episode, I will be highlighting those people who have come before me, who have loved me, taught me wise lessons about love and connection, and whose presence in my life has made a critical difference, without whom I would not be where I am today.
These people are special to me, and I want to celebrate them and what they have taught me, shown me, and how they have loved me. I want to introduce them to you and celebrate them with you. Will you join me?
The party happens over zoom and here are the details.
I hope to see you next Sunday.
Angela
Angela Jernigan is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Angela’s 50th Birthday: Honoring my Parents, Teachers & Mentors and launching The Parents Way Podcast
Time: Jan 22, 2023 03:00 PM Pacific Time (US and Canada)
Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/88228106889?pwd=THdUdDh5eUp1Y2JKOXJTRzUwd2kvUT09